(Questions)

Questions Santa Claus is Sick of Being Asked at Parties

How long does Coke have you under contract for, anyway?

You stop watching everything we do after we grow up, right?

How come every time I see you at the mall your breath smells like Thunderbird?

So, Jesus still not returning your calls?

Do you exist?

Hey, aren't you the guy from "Home Improvement?

What's with putting things in people's stockings anyway? You're not some kind of foot freak, are you?

Don't you think you should lay off the free cookies, there, chubs?

Is that real fur?

Hey Santa, can you see when I'm sleeping or when I'm awake if I'm wearing my tin foil hat? I didn't think so.

Santa, what do you do with yourself the rest of the year? It's obviously not exercise.

Where the hell are those Micronauts you promised me when I was eight?

Are you aware that you shake when you laugh, like a bowlful of jelly?

Santa, is it true about you and the Easter Bunny and that weekend in Vegas?

found at Cap'n Wacky

(Driving)

These guys really know how to drive.


Video: What a great driving skill

(Bet)

Do you have the cojones to bet your entire life savings on one spin of a roulette wheel? This guy did. $136,000 on red. Spin the wheel...

(Snow)

It's snowing here in Seattle, which doesn't happen too often, so I thought I'd offer proof.

(Zappa)

Yesterday I found this amazing interview with one of my favorite people, Frank Zappa. Tragically, Frank died of cancer at the age of 52. He was the most astonishing composer of the modern era and one of the most prolific artists of our time, working constantly throughout his life seven days a week, twelve to nineteen hours a day on an enormous body of work - hundreds upon hundreds of groundbreaking recordings. His acerbic, biting humor exposed the bullshit of modern society and his unparalleled imagination pushed the boundaries of modern musical theory and recording technology. If humanity is around in 1000 years, his music will be still be studied by scholars.

This may be the best interview of any kind I've ever read...

The Mother Of All Interviews

"....one of the hallmarks of contemporary life is what I perceive to he a conspiracy against conscious thought. Every aspect of government at every level has conspired to minimize education and to punish any individual or group that chooses to experience the full benefits of the First Amendment. The contemporary message - the subtext of contemporary life - is keep your fucking mouth shut and he a drone. And government is set up in such a way now with its complete disregard for the value of education that they're going to perpetuate a type of stupidity that makes it possible to have an entire nation of people watching late-night infomercials on TV with their phone-in credit card..."

"...Well, it seems to me that the subtext for stamping out the arts. . . . In the realm of the arts, you always have the possibility for creative thinking, which means deviation from the norm, the prescribed political norm that everybody is trying to cram down your throat. If they can stop creative thinking, then they've got a better chance of maintaining the stranglehold of stupidity on the entire population. And creative thinking can, and often does, start at an early age. So if they can nip it in the bud, while the little beggars are in school, then it's good for them. I think they would like to replace every single art program with some sort of sport or ROTC thing just to keep people from thinking..."

(Walking)

If you're wondering what I want for christmas, I've figured it out - get me one of these!

(Thanksgiving)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I'm thankful for all of you.

(Spaceships)

If you're as nerdy as I am, and I'm pretty sure you are, you'll love this website, STARSHIP DIMENSIONS. Obsessive nerd Jeff Russell put a huge amount of time into it, portraying dozens of movie starships in terms of their relative scale. So, if you're wondering how big Serenity is compared to, say, Battlestar Columbia, or how big V'ger is compared to, say, the Death Star, you can find out here.

(Ford)

They sure knew how to make compelling t.v. commercials in 1960.
Join me now as we venture into A Wonderful New World of Fords.

(Thief)

This would-be burglar is the clumsiest fool out there. In fact, he is the exact opposite of a ninja.

(Bond)

There's a new James Bond movie opening, a radical 'reboot' of the franchise, Casino Royale. And the early reviews say that it's stunningly successful at reexamining the legendary spy. Bond fans had a negative buzz during the films production, mostly about the casting of blond, blue-eyed Daniel Craig as James Bond. But now the word is they've knocked it out of the park.

It's time for a Bond celebration.

Here's a link to EVERY JAMES BOND MOVIE TRAILER.

Bond Films have very distinctive opening credits, most of which were designed by the legendary Maurice Binder.

Here's a link to EVERY JAMES BOND MOVIE OPENING CREDITS SEQUENCE.

This is the classic Maurice Binder opening to Thunderball, with Tom Jones singing the theme song:



And finally, Weird Al doing Spy Hard, a great parody of Bond intros:

(Pharaoh)

Pharaoh's Tomb Collect as much gold as you can, avoid monsters and traps!

Play this free game now!!

(Century)

100 Years Ago:

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet.

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.

via The Manbottle Library

(Names)

Top 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports

Top 10 Dirtiest Names in Sports:The Sequel

(Audio)

I just took this test at http://jakemandell.com to see how accurate my pitch is, and my score indicates "World-class musical abilities"! 91.7%

"While working at the music and neuroimaging lab at Beth Israel/Harvard Medical School in Boston, I developed a quick online way to screen for the tonedeafness. It actually turned out to be a pretty good test to check for overall pitch perception ability. The test is purposefully made very hard, so excellent musicians rarely score above 80% correct. Give it a try!

... The test you are about to take was used as a screening test to roughly characterize patient’s pitch discrimination and musical memory abilities. Even though musical memory is strongly tested here, we have found that people who are tonedeaf tend to have normal musical memories."

(Jet)

This is a great time lapse video of an Airbus A340-600 being built.

(Wheels)

The Rollerblade Suit.

"....Jean-Yves Blondeau doesn't attach wheels just to his feet: He lashes 28 of them to his whole body. "I have wheels on my belly, back, elbows, knees, hands, and feet," he says.
Blondeau spent years researching and designing his "Buggy Rollin" suit. Now, he can cruise the roads lying on his back or even facedown on his stomach with his nose less than l0 centimeters (4 inches) from the ground. "Just standing on skates wasn't enough fun for me," he says...."

(Sphere)

I just saw this clip at The Presurfer and it blew my mind! Watch as a zero-gee sphere of water on the International Space Station is put through a variety of experiments.

(Tooth)

Today I had the exquisite pleasure of two hours in the dentist's chair. A root canal, and a removal of two other roots from a prior procedure.

I wish I had taken my camera and shot a video clip of it to post here. It would have been easy to just hold it up and shoot a clip, I'm sure they would have let me...I need to start carrying that thing around everywhere. When smoke is coming out of your mouth, it makes for a great video opp.

(Idiot)

As a public service, I've decided to figure out whether or not my readers are idiots. Take this test, and post in the comments if you're an idiot or not. If you turn out to be an idiot, congratulations! You're the perfect demographic for enjoying markjamesmurphy.com!

(Seal)

If life has taught me anything, it has taught me this: Never sneak up on an elephant seal.

(Violence)

These vicious little green guys want to eat you. Blow them away, in this gory game, More Mindless Violence.

(Cartoon)

(Branding)

Try to find the real logos hidden among the false ones. It's a lot harder than it might seem.

(Train)

This woman is lucky to be alive, after crossing in front of this extremely fast moving train.

(Pizza)

The next time you order pizza, have a little fun. Here's a list of 100 Fun Ways To Order Pizza.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Found at The Manbottle Library

(Scooter)

Hey, come along with me on a scooter ride here in Seattle. We're going up Ravenna Boulevard. Music by The Zombies.